“What you really fear is inside yourself. You fear your own power, you fear your anger, and your drive to do great and terrible things. Now you must journey inwards.”
I look at my life. The things I’ve done. Things I’ve failed at. Things I’ve feared. Fears I’ve kept. There is no real point, at least not a point I could use as a marker. It’s really been a span that’s constantly evolving.
And the deeper down the rabbit hole I go, the deeper it gets. I get reminded of a quote from a movie I once watched, “And men fear most what they cannot see.” And I realize, I don’t even know what I don’t even know. So I’m guarded, because it feels natural to try and feel safe.
But as I move through the darkness, I’m forced to let more of my guard down. And the more guarded I’ve been, the more violently I protest.
But you can’t face your fears truly if you’re hiding.
Experience of course differs for everybody.
And so this brings me to the idea of life themes.
What are they?
Everyone has dreams. As I said before, the achieving of the dream isn’t really the point of the dream. It’s who you have to become to get there. And the process is never a linear ascent.
Imagine on a soul level, you’ve set this test for yourself. And you throw yourself in the direction of your excitement. And in doing so, you expose yourself to your fears. The things that bog you down, that disturb you and challenge your ability to feel at peace with yourself are really and essentially your life themes. They can be anything from learning or overcoming things like, envy, jealousy, bigotry, attachment, compassion and self-worth just to name a few. (We don’t learn all lessons in one life) They’ve been there a long time and they’ve probably been hidden in your blind spot. But it’s important to note they’re not blocking you from where you want to go, as much as they’re trying to refine you to get to where you need to be.
That’s about as simple as I can explain it. It is like a map in a game that you’ve chosen to explore and the setting for everybody is different. Whatever your background, rich or poor, educated or illiterate, oppressed or free, it is your starting point. Your back story that poses a set of conditions, beliefs, definitions and fears which you feel compelled to overcome.
We aren’t being tested as humans. We’re being tested as energy, trying to remember, it is energy.
Ask yourself the question. What bothers you the most?
And so I ask myself the question. What have I been failing at repeatedly? What’s holding me back as a person?
This brings me to my main point: Repeated failure.
Don’t get me wrong. There isn’t anything wrong with failing. In fact many of us have failed our own tests a multitude of times. Perhaps even across lives. And that’s okay. But we have to understand that each one firms our understanding and deepens our knowledge in the things we’ve chosen to explore. Isn’t it true that the people who have gone through the toughest ordeals are the most capable of connecting with and leading the rest?
There is probably an infinite number of ways such a test could happen. The thing is you’ll rarely know you’re being tested.
You meet new people, new scenarios, but suddenly it feels all too familiar.
Leave one scenario; enter another completely different one but come out of it feeling a familiar sense of regret. And you look back and you notice its striking similarities. There was a shape-shift you missed. And you start to think there’s a pattern.
And you ask yourself, why do I end up meeting the same kinds of people or the same kinds of situations? And end up feeling hurt or attacked in the same way. Why does this keep happening to me?
Relationships which you’ve left without learning what you needed to learn, whether it be with family, friends, romantic come back again and again in different forms with different faces.
And it makes me think that even if I did travel across the globe, I’d probably meet the same type of people because I hadn’t learnt what I needed to yet. The theme doesn’t change, it is we who have to recognize it and change ourselves. So yes, we are ‘doomed’ to revisit the same themes over and over again till we fully integrate their meaning within us. Okay that sounds way too negative. Think of it as being given the chance over and over again till you’re able to pass the exam.
But that’s the trick isn’t it? You can mentally prepare all you want on how to approach a given situation. But it wouldn’t be the same, it wouldn’t feel the same. You’d be outright faking it. And that isn’t clearing the level because you’ve forced an expectation on an event to turn out a particular way. And that is more than likely to leave you feeling disappointed than anything else you had hoped for.
It took me sometime to realize that I can’t judge a situation to be the same as the last, but I have made that mistake many a time. And it took me sometime to realize when I was actually doing it.
The same man that knows fire burns flesh and avoids it, needs to learn that it’ll also cook his food doesn’t he? Or should he be forced to eat his food raw all his life? At some point, he must evolve, he must transform.
But we’ve trained ourselves to be robots with specific programs running to specific scenarios. And this is damaging.
So obviously the learning can’t be scenario based. It has to be conceptual.
Through the deepening grooves of repeated failure, we understand a concept more completely. The concept is a state of being. Not a modeled behavior.
We are going to have to become it. It is a shift in perception where you look at things differently. The shift is very much feeling-based. A shifting of attitude. Moving a vibration slowly towards the positive by first seeking out the negatives.
Now I gotta clarify at this juncture. I’m not saying we have to be on guard 24/7 of what’s happening to and around us. I cannot even force myself to learn a lesson faster, because it’s all unfolding in its given time, but I can bring greater awareness and understanding to it.
And that is what existence is: Experience and learning. We all do this from one life to another, no matter who is labeled teacher or student. If you had learnt everything you needed to know, there wouldn’t be a reason for you to be here would there? Or do you still subscribe to the idea that all of creation is nothing more than a random accident?